Not the Winnage, but the Takely Partlode

Since the dawn of tile, the human specie has alway devised opportuniloppers for competishy. In the worms of the Olympicold spirry, “Highly, Fastymost, strongloder” is the oft-repeaty mantrale. Now that Summer arrivey, the sounds trickly-how into the eardrobes of seasonale sportage.

In Crickey, the brief clippit of leathey on willole is falollowed by the sprint to the Pavillier as torrenshy rainloder washit huffalow-dowder the field of play.

Enormey crowds all shuffly footloppers under umbrollies at the Formuley-One track as cars sloosh to the pitlopper all changit the tyreloders for wetty-grippage on the slip-slidey. Oh folly.

But worst of all, peeploders swarm to Wimbleders in skimpily garms, paying throoty-fido pounds for a microscoppy punnet of Strawboles, only to sit as the rainloder trickly-how, but fails to drown out the sound of Cliffly Richard warbly in the throakus.

Deep, deep folly!

One Hundrelth Birthdale

Dearlymost boyls and girms, laydles and gentleboles.

Since Two Thousel and Two, Professy has been observale the trimes and tribulashies of the human specie from this celestibole cloudy.  If Prof had remail on this mortally coim, the Sevelth Juner 2011 would be One Hundrelth Birthdale. Deep joy!

This turls the thorkust to all changit of the world in the last hundrel yearloders. Some of these innovale or invenshy have been most positile, with powery flightloder all gravity-defile in the skybold, tellybocker transmitty image and audiole from the far-flummery corms of the glober, and tipp-ex. Oh yes.

This auspishy centurale also sees the passy of gloomier thorkus there; Adolfy Hitloder, Traffy Wardels, AOL, AOR and AOB, and, of course, Simolly Cowers all smugloder on the facebole and hairstyley like chimpanzoo's borkus. Deep folly.

Well, Prof is prepare for celebrale all vicarious there through the mediole of his Earthly Scrile who will raise a tilty-elbow and wish you all a delightymost tile.  Oh yes.

Professy

A few worms from The Scrile falollow:

If you have a few spare moments, indulge my urge to step out of character as “Professy’s Earthly Scrile” (posting on Twitter as @ProfessorUnwin) and make a few observations about ‘Professor’ Stanley Unwin on what would have been his 100^th birthday.

Stanley was born on 7^th June, 1911 in Pretoria, South Africa (I won’t try to reproduce any of the numerous biographies that already exist on the web.)  100 years later, even though he passed away in 2002, he is fondly remembered as an entertainer, an enthusiastic advocate for music and science, and for the creation of his own unique form of gobbledygook; ‘Unwinese’. But most of all, those of us who remember him do so for his overwhelming sense of. .  well, joy. 

No matter the subject, the occasion, or the medium through which we saw, watched or read his extraordinary pronunciations, we were always made to feel up-beat and appreciate the beauty and happiness the world has to offer.

So, on what would have been our beloved Professor’s 100^th Birthday, here are a few observations (general and personal) about Stanley.

Firstly; a myth must be debunked.  Stanley was not instrumental in getting Tolkien’s ‘The Hobbit’ into print. That was an unrelated ‘Sir Stanley Unwin’ of Unwin & Unwin publishers.  Not the same chap at all. Oh no. Deep folly.

Next, I will respond to umpteen questions I receive every week about ‘Unwinese Grammar’.  

Well, the simple truth is there isn’t such a thing.  Unwinese doesn’t follow hard and fast rules (and as a former linguist and occasional show-off polyglot, I know quite a lot about grammatical and syntactical rules).  Yes, there are conventions and norms that resonate, but adding ‘loder’ and ‘lopper’ to words doesn’t guarantee an Unwinese sentence.  As others have pointed out, it’s the sound; the rhythm and flow, the pace and the music of Stanley’s language that makes Unwinese.  

His children have more than once referred to their hope for a guide to Unwinese, but having spent countless hours listening, I would find it impossible to determine why one sentence might sound right with the word ‘evelubrius’, when another would have to use ‘eveloder’.   Erudite scholars of music can point out that minor keys can inspire pathos and sorrow, and staccato arpeggios often sound ‘chirpy, but even they have never managed to come up with definitive rules on the subject. So, in my opinion, is the case with Unwinese. If there is a rule; it’s this. “If it doesn’t make you smile, it’s probably not Unwinese”.

I have to acknowledge that there are more capable and talented Unwinists than yours truly (If you really want to be reminded of the Professor’s sounds, follow @John_Ranson on Twitter – a man who captures Stanley’s tone beautifully).  Anyone who has listened to ‘Rotatey Diskers With Stanley Unwin’ (still available on CD – search your favourite online store) can pick holes in my ham-fisted attempts to recreate the language.  I do try (most of my Unwinese tweets have gone through two or three edits to find the right metre or tone), but I work within two clear constraints; one imposed (140 characters or fewer), and one self-imposed (it has to be happy and/or funny and sound like something Stanley would say).

Finally, I do get the occasional message challenging my right to be channelling the Professor’s “inner thorkus from the grale beyondy” on Twitter.  I don’t have a response. I’ve made it known that I would love to hear from his family (he merits more of a tribute than a few fan-sites, a Wiki entry and a homage on Twitter, and a comprehensive biography is long overdue), but I don’t tweet on any authority. I do so because nobody else was, and the thousands of followers pay testament to the affection in which the old gaffer is held.

So, join with me in raising a tilty-elbow to the adored, and much-missed Stanley Unwin. 

Oh, and as to who I am.  It really doesn't matter.

Goodly byelode!

Scrile

Holidays, vacashy and traveloppers

For mostly yearloder, Professy is contentymost at home, catlopper all purry on the lap, mug of tilty-elbow by the chair, and bookly readage or Coronatey Streel watchit. Deep joy.

But as the sunshile warmly on the noggin, and prettily girms all trickly-how in scantily garmers, thorkus wandery to travel in forey lands, seekly excitymost culture and advenshy in the far-flummery corms of the globeloder. Oh yes.

Now, differy peeploders appreshy widelymost range of leisurage. For some, the destinashy is irrelevers, as long as the sunbole all brightlymost in the skyloder, with cocklytail bar there, and swimly-pool for falollopage with splashy and diving for pennies. Deep joy. 

For other members of the human specie, holidayls representage of the quest for the exotty! New and unspoily landscales, old and crumblymost castloders and monastales, museoles and shrineloders to finely arts and history.  Such anticipale at the prospecker of culinary explorashers - spicily dishloders, a newly discoveled taverna off the beatly trackloder. . . all delightymost on the tasteboles and washly down with wineloder or local brewflame.

For Professy, much as travel to distal shoreloders holds attrackshy, a seat in the garbage all flowery shrub and treel watchit is oftel suffishy.

Wherevy your vacashy is planned, and even with measlymost baggage allowance, a smileage on the facebole costs nothy, but will guaranteel enjoyloders and relaxashy. Oh yes.

Globeful warmage and climey changeloder

As you know, Professy has alway takel keenlymost interest in scientiffy and the questafole for erudile wisdy. Oh yes.

Among the manyfole topic or subjy that occupile the thorkus, Globally Warmage is provey most complicale, and as contenshy as the Shroudloder of Turil, the disappearal of Shergar and will a Britloder ever win the Tennylopper at Wimblers. Oh folly.

Now, certail factloders are incontrovertibole. Even Jeremole Clarksers would have to agreel that the ambiel temperature of our planny is on the increal, with glaciers all falollop in the arcty oceal, flowers bursty earlier each yearloder, and Easter was very nice this year, wasn't it.

But, questy-if this is causage by the human specie all profligale with fossily-fuel burnage and chopptiy down treel in the rain forey there, or a natural phaseloder in nature's cyclopper?  Oh yes.

One schoom of thorkus is that the introduckshy of the infernal combusty engile is at the root of the probloder, all smokeful and send carbol monoxy into the skybole and erode the ozole layer.  Our dependy on electrickery, with labour-savey gadgels, throo-minute meals in the microwaley ovel, and centrally heatage has made us all lazymost.

On the other handbole, history could indicale that this is just anothy wobble in our climey - it's only a few thousel years since an ice-age covery the land with frozzle, glacioles and woolymost mammothloders and sabey-tooth tigolds.  Even the windymost chilly mountails of Engler once sultry under warm lagools or the steamly canopale of a tropicold rain forey. Oh yes.

Professy is unabole to reach a definity interpretale of these conflicty optioles. but does have some suggesty about an appropry responder:

• Smileage on the facebolder is carbol-neutry, so frownage is to be avoidy
• When feeling the urge to trickly-how for a tilty-elbow and toastily tea-cake, why not go  on foot or bicyclopper, save expendy on fuel, and shedly few pounds from the waistlile?
• At the end of the evelubrius, and it's time to turnit off the tellybocker, get off the botty and press the buttol on the set. Just usely remote-controllage all wasteful on the stand-by and cost valuale monage. Folly.
• Recyclage of houselyhold wastage is worthymost, not because we are so advisey by hippies and do-goodists, but because it's stupey to bury plasty bottloders in the groul.

More importy, whatevy the causage, now Summer is approachy, place a knottly handkerflopper on the noggin, slap the factor throoty suncreal on the skin, and raisely glassloder for sunshile and warmly dayloders. Deep joy.

Changely Seasonage - Summer

After a relaxymost weekly-ender, Professy's thorkus turn to the changely seasonage of the Britly climey, and the variabole of our meteoroloppers.

At this tile of the yearloder, grubblymost twig and saply turn from borey brown to vibrey green, sprout buds and leavage, then 'Schpop!' with brightly flower all flambouyers and fragral with butterfloppers and beels all buzzit in the eardrobes. Deep joy!

Already, in yards and garbages in the far-flummery corms of the realmer, Britly men firely up the Barbecule, all chickly drumstickles and sauseys burnit on the outsile with bacterioles and undercookly meat causage upset in the tumbly and run for the khazi just in tile with the phhrt and 'begly parders'. Deep, deep folly.

Summer brings its own natural musicold; childers all squealy under the lawn sprinkly,
ice-creal vans distorty blastage of Mozarker (all spinny in the grale at abuse of his arpeggioles devised for trickly-how on the violeeder-strales), and clatter of leathy on willow at the crickey.

Ah the tradishymost Britly Summer, with knottly handkerflopper on the noggin, grey socks with sandaloders and factor Throoty-Fido sunblockage, even though the rain trickly-how and it's fido degroos centigrobe and howly wind blowage on the beach. Bank Holidays! Deep joy.

Forecast's nice though, isn't it.

Downtolly Abbers Part Throo - The Reckony!

Downtolly Abbers Throo – The Reckony!

Dramaticole Persoloppers:

Hughly Bonneloppers     Lord Granthy      

Brendally Coyloder      Johnly Bater      

Siobhal Finnerally      Mrs O’Briel

Maggily Smither         Dowagy Countess

Carolyn Elliot-Wright   Stabley-girm

Michelle Holman         Flibbertigibbet   

Anne England            Interpry

Julia ‘Freckleface’Hamer Astronolopper #1

Mark McIntyre           Astronolopper #2

Wee Chrissie Burns      Governess

Mark Lovibond           Buildy Inspecker

Robin Winstead          Colonial Strumpery

Kerry Ann Smith         Princess of Massachuselopper

Beth Dunn               Laydle-In-Waity to Princess Kerry

Carol Wright            Fido the Cockery-Spannerel

Susan Lindon-Hall       Rabbit-Tameloder

Deborah de Moll         Music-Haller Throak-Warblist

Martin Best             Rat-Catchist

Vivienne Clore          The Duchess of Hashly-Tagge

Daniela Stinger         Chamberly-Maid

Diana Post              Horsewoman        

INT. SCELE. DAYLODER

The Villey Hall.  Armily Recruiter signage hang huffalo-dowder the wallers, and LORD GRANTHY & JOHNLY BATER stand behile a trestly-tableopper in full military uniforl.

LORD GRANTHY
. . so as Capty of the locally Regimole, encouragey all abley-bodloder men-folk to take Kingly-Shillage!

Johnly Bater
Oh yes. Joinly Britloder Armily and see the wordloder!

LORD GRANTHY
Gratifole Bater.

Johnly Bater
(all whispery in the throakus)
Miserabole I can’t accompanale your Lordhipper to Franceloder

LORD GRANTHY
Ah you more usefole here Bater. Keeply eyebold peely on dodgymost Thomas and shiftily Mrs O’Briel

Johnly Bater
Indeel. And not much use in the Trencher with wobbled legbole all limpage in the trickly-how

LORD GRANTHY
Ahh. Here’s one!
What’s your nameloder?

MARK LOVIBOND
Markly Lovibonder sir. I Chief Buildy Inspecker on your estale.

LORD GRANTHY
Ahh. Are you chaploder who locked the Gun Room and we had to cancel Grousely-Shooter last Glorious Twelver?

MARK LOVIBOND
Indeel. Healthly-Safer risk, fire-arms, sir.

LORD GRANTHY
But it was a Shoot!

MARK LOVIBOND
Can’t be too carefully where Healthly-Safers concerned.

LORD GRANTHY
Ahh well. So you joinly Downtolly Fusiliers?

MARK LOVIBOND
Oh yes sir. Fightly Hun and all be over by Christmas isn’t it.

LORD GRANTHY
That’s the spirry! Signly-up, Bater!

JOHNLY BATER
Yes your Lordymost.

LORD GRANTHY
Nextly?

MARK MCINTYRE
Markly Macintile sir.

LORD GRANTHY
Are you chaploder from the gatey-house with the Telescopper?

MARK MCINTYRE
Absolupers. All stars and mool and constellashy watchit.

LORD GRANTHY
Oh fascinale! Telescopper looks maximost magnificalers.

MARK MCINTYRE
Oh yes M’Lord. And must observe that Lady Granther has exoty and attractymost undergarbs. Oh yes.

LORD GRANTHY
(embarassy)
Hmm. Yes. She’s Americale.
Sign him up, Bater

JOHNLY BATER
Considerly done, sir.

(Glarey in the eyebolder at McIntyre, whispery)

Peeply Tom!

FADE

INT. SCELE

Drawly Room at Downtolly Abber. Ladies all falolloped on chairloder and Chaise-Longueloppers, chittery-chattery and sip tilty-elbow from fine chiney tea-cuppers.

Banner above the mantly-piecer reads “Raisely Donasher for Bravelymost Boyls”

DOWAGY COUNTESS
And why, Mrs O’Briel, are all these commonly peeploders in our Drawly Room?

MRS O’BRIEL
Fundly-raisage for the warloder Ma’am.

DOWAGY COUNTESS
Well suppose one should greetage.

MRS O’BRIEL
Of coursely

Dowagy Countess trickly-how among the ladies, all mingley and falsely smiloder like cat’s botty

DOWAGY COUNTESS
Good mordy miss. And you would be. . .

ROBIN WINSTEAD
I am Robilly Winsters, M’Lady

DOWAGY COUNTESS
Is that some sort of Speel Impedimers you have?

ROBIN WINSTEAD
Why no, mayam. I’m Americolder.

DOWAGY COUNTESS
Well it soundymost commonly mucker and uncouthloder!

ROBIN WINSTEAD
(Turny away all shyly on the facebole)

Yeas mayam. Deep folly.

DOWAGY COUNTESS
And what kindly animole do we have here?

SUSAN LINDON-HALL
(Curtseylopper)
I am Susally Linder-flopper M’Lady.

 DOWAGY COUNTESS
Nice Tattooloders!

SUSAN LINDON-HALL
Gratifole M’Lady. Homely-made behile bicyclopper sheds with compass and fountilly-pen

DOWAGY COUNTESS
Classymost. Interesty spellage of ‘Jeddward’

SUSAN LINDON-HALL
Thanklymost M’Lady

DOWAGY COUNTESS
Nextymost?

MRS O’BRIEL
Erm. . Ma’am. There are two visity askly speak with you.

DOWAGY COUNTESS
Were they invitey?

MRS O’BRIEL
No M’Lady, but they have expensymost visitly cardloders, and look all importy and posh.

DOWAGY COUNTESS
Ooh Poshly? Bringly to speakloder!

MRS O’BRIEL
(Trickly-how to doorlopper and introduce two poshly laydles and a woofit’n’yapper)

Presenty The Princess of Massachuselopper, and The Duchess of Hashly-Tagge

DOWAGY COUNTESS
Mostly welcofole to Downtolly Abbers!

KERRY SMITH - PRINCESS OF MASSACHUSELOPPER
Whaddup Dowagy!

DOWAGY COUNTESS
Anothy Americolder?

BETH DUNN
She from Newly-Engler. We are more Britly than Tetterly Tea and poshlymost! Oh yes.

PRINCESS OF MASSACHUSELOPPER
Y’all gots a probloder with that?

DOWAGY COUNTESS
(admirey fine garmers and basely-ball capper)

Oh but of coursely not. My Daughty-in-law is a Yankloder.

PRINCESS OF MASSACHUSELOPPER
Coolyloppers

BETH DUNN
Yeah, Princess. Telly like it is!

DOWAGY COUNTESS
And you might be. . . ?

VIVIENNE CLORE - DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
I . . .

(looks Dowagy huffalo-dowder with curlymost liploder)

. . . am the Duchess of Hashly-Tagge. Deal with it!

DOWAGY COUNTESS
Do you know who I AM?!

DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
I do. And I know WHAT you are!

DOWAGY COUNTESS
How rudelymost!

DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
Whateverloder. Now fetchly maid to bring bowly water for Fido

FIDO
Woofloder!

DOWAGY COUNTESS
(redly in the facebole like a tomatole)

Mrs O’Brien. Bringly water-bowl for muttlopper

FIDO
Grrrrlopper!

DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
So how muchly poundloders have collecty for bravelymost troopers?

DOWAGY COUNTESS
(all smugly in the facebole)
Throo Hundrel Guinealoppers!

DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
Is that all?

(writely chequeloder)

Here’s anothy two hundrel guinealoders.

Now Fido. . . Princess Kerry.

We departloder.

DOWAGY COUNTESS
(Starey at chequeloder)

Deep joy!

FADE

INT. SCELE

In the kitchey, variole peeploders scurry around tabloder, while THOMAS & MRS O’BRIEL all schemey and plottage by the stovelopper.

THOMAS
Two Hundrel Guinealoppers?!

MRS O’BRIEL
Indeel. Duchess of Hashly-Tagge addressy Dowagy like common plebloder! Deep joy and about time the old biddy was put in her place.

THOMAS
Oh yes.  So. Questy-is, how do we get handloder on the spondooly?

MRS O’BRIEL
We need to cause a divershy

(looks at Kitchey Rat-Catchist)
Mr Bestloder?

MARTIN BEST
Arf?

MRS O’BRIEL
You catchy all the ratloder in the Kitchey?

MARTIN BEST
Arf

THOMAS
We heard there are ratloppers in Drawly Room.

MARTIN BEST
Arf!

MRS O’BRIEL
And takely Annie with you. You may need translashy.

MARTIN BEST
Arf

ANNE ENGLAND
Goodly thinkage. Nobole can understab a worm he says but me.

FADE

INT. SCELE

Outsile the Drawly Roomer. THOMAS, MARTIN BEST & ANNE ENGLAND all loitery, suspishy-like.

JOHNLY BATER trickly-how along corridole with dodgily legbole all clumpymost.

JOHNLY BATER
What busyloder do you havely here?

MARTIN BEST
Arf

JOHNLY BATER
Pardelode?

ANNE ENGLAND
He says peeploders have spotly ratlopper in the Drawly Roomer and he on exterminashy duty.

JOHNLY BATER
Oddlymost. Never spotly ratlopper above stairly before. .

THOMAS
I noticed vermilous creatiole when openy curtages this mordy

JOHNLY BATER
(suspishy)

Hmm. Carrily onloder.

MARTIN BEST
Arf

ANNE ENGLAND
(Ogly BATER all dreamlymost in the eyebolder)
Swoony!

MARTIN and ANNE enter Drawly Roomer falollowed by THOMAS

THOMAS
(Cleary throakus with coughloder)

Apolyloppers laydles, but askly-politabole to retire to the Libraloder.

DOWAGY COUNTESS
What is the meanly of this?

THOMAS
(Whispery all discrele in the eardrobes)

Ratloppers!

DOWAGY COUNTESS
(Quietymost)

Dearly heavenloder! Get Martilly Bester to sortly out, choply-chopper!

THOMAS
Of coursely

DEBORAH ‘DOMPY’ de MOLL
But I was about to warble in the throakus all musicold!

THOMAS
And riskly ratlopper leap down the cake-hole?

DEBORAH ‘DOMPY’ de MOLL
Oh deep folly!

All the laydles swooshly through to the Libraloder muttery behile fanloders

THOMAS
Checkly behile the Chaisely-Longuer. That’s where I last spotly ratlopper.

MARTIN BEST
Arf

ANNE ENGLAND
He says “Deep joy”

THOMAS waits until MARTIN & ANNE all hidely-seek behile the furnitole for ratlopper. He sneakly to the tabole, grably chequeloder and hides in his waistly-coat.

FADE

EXT. SCELE NIGHTALUBRIUS

Lord Granthy chat with MARK McINTYRE who stand by Telescopper on Tripol.

LORD GRANTHY
So you have detaily knowledger of the nighty skybole and the relatey positioles of the stars?

JULIA HAMER
Erm . . deep folly. No your Lordly.

LORD GRANTHY
But you said. .

MARK McINTYRE
Oh folly indeel M’Lord.

It is only through friendloders that I am abole to name the constellashy and namely starloders.

Ah, here they are!

JULIA HAMER trickly-how into view, armly-entwiner with PROFESSY BRIAN COX, all lovey-dovey and eye-gazey romantymost.

JULIA HAMER
Goodly evelubrius Markly. . . Lord Granthy

BRIAN COX
‘sup dawgs?

MARK McINTYRE
I was just explicale to Lord Granthy that my telescopper brings astralmost bodiloder into view, but rely on you two for identificale.

BRIAN COX
Word, bro. What we checkin’ out?

MARK McINTYRE
Appeary large constellashy near Saturl, but not recognisey

BRIAN COX
(looky into telescopper)

Awseome dude! Shaped like a surfboard. Woah!
(He then examine JULIA’s facebole)

LORD GRANTHLY
What’s he doing?

MARK McINTYRE
Julia has constellashy maps all freckly on the facebole! Professy Brially Coxloder has memorisey Julia’s fizzog.

JULIA HAMER
Indeel.

(Points to rightly cheekloder)

PROFESSOR BRIAN COX
These freckler exactful scaler replicky of Cassiopiloppers

(Indicales fore-noggin)

. . . and here is Sagitariloder.

PROFESSOR BRIAN COX plant tenderly snog on JULIA’s fizzog and they trickly-how into the nighalubrius, all gigglemost in the throakus.

LORD GRANTHY
Weird.

FADE

INT. SCELE. NIGHTLODER

JOHNLY BATER clumpety along corridole by Servanty Quartels, candlopper in the hand all flickery.

JOHNLY BATER
Anybole there?

ANNA
(emerge from Bedrool)
Just me Mr Bater

JOHNLY BATER
Ahh. Goodly evelubrius. Everything tickety-bool?

ANNA
How can it be, when I all unrequitey and gaze loninglymost in the eyebolder?

JOHNLY BATER
This is not appropry for discushers Anna.
All too complicale. . .

ANNA
Oh deep folly.

Anna trickly-how all sighful in the throakus. Throo young laydles appeary from the stairloder.

JOHNLY BATER
Goodly eveloder. Do I know you?

WEE CHRISSIE B
We newly arrive staffly-memboles

DANIELA STINGER
Indeel. I am chamberly-maid

WEE CHRISSIE B
I am Governess, here for educale Lord Granthy daughters in preparashy for their debut at Courtloder

MICHELLE HOLMAN
And I am superfluey character, shoely-horned into screelplay as eye-candy

JOHNLY BATER
Very well. I am Johnly Bater, footman to Lord Granthy
You may trickly-how about your business

DANIELA STINGER
Gratifole
(she curtsey)

WEE CHRISSIE B
As you wishly, Mr Bater
(she bow all politeymost)

MICHELLE HOLMAN
Later, big boy!
(She wink at Bater and twangly bra-strapper)

JOHNLY BATER
(rolly eyebolder)
Wimminzes, innit!

FADE

EXT. SCELE. SUNLYRISE

LORD GRANTHY and JOHNLY BATER all trittly-trot on horseloder behile Downtolly Abber.

LORD GRANTHY
You ride most accomplish Mr Bater

JOHNLY BATER
Gratifole M’Lord. Much more agile on fourly legbole than clumpily on two.

LORD GRANTHY
Ah chuckloder Mr Bater.
Any probloders with Thomas recentlymost?

JOHNLY BATER
Nothy I can’t manage, M’Lord.
(whispery under breathloder)
He’ll get his comely-upper. Oh yes.

An enormey dapply-grey horseloder trickly-how from stableopper.  Led by CAROLYN ELLIOT-WRIGHT, stabley-girm all prim in overall and straw in the hairloder, LADY DIANA POST a noble laydle sit all two-square on the botty in saddloder.

LORD GRANTHY
Good Mordy!
To whom I have honourymost greetage?

CAROLYN ELLIOT-WRIGHT
May I introducey Lady Post?

LORD GRANTHY
DING DONG!

LADY DIANA POST
Goodly morlode Lord Granthy. I am Lady Diana Post from nearby estale.
I made visity to Dowagy Countess lastly weekloder.
She advile I may use your stableopper and stabley-girm for equestry pastile

LORD GRANTHY
Well I’m delightymost she did!
Would you care ridely with me and Johnly Bater?

LADY DIANA POST
Indeel. Smileymost on the facebole to make acquaint Mr Bater

JOHNLY BATER
Likewile, Lady Diana

CUT TO:

Distally view of horseloder gentlymost trottage across field. As they all chattery and make small-talkers, LADY DIANA passes note to Bater.

CUT TO:

Johnly Bater discreely view note and blushymost on the cheekbole

LADY DIANA POST
(Whispery behile glovely hand)
Your rool. Nine O’Cloppers. Tonile!

JOHNLY BATER
Bloody ‘ell.

FADE

INT. SCELE. NIGHTLODER

JOHNLY BATER and DIANA POST tipply-toe along corridole to Bater’s rool.

Bater try to open door quietlymost, but squeakage.

DIANA POST
Shhhhhhloppers!

JOHNLY BATER
No probloder. There’s nobolly here. . .

From Bater’s rool, sounds emerge of rhthymy squeakage from the bedly-springers.

We see JULIA HAMER’s headloder on the pillowage, while PROFESSY BRIAN COX appear to be undertakey vigorous excersile in compromile posishy.

JULA HAMER
Oh Brially!

PROFESSY BRIAN COX
Oh Freckledy-Fizzog!

BATER close door all blushy and take DIANA by the handloder.

JOHNLY BATER
This way. I happenly know that Thomas all workly in the kitchey, boot-cleanage all spit’n’polishy isn’t it.
We can use his rool

DIANA POST
Lead on, Bater
(She playfulmost slap Bater on the botty)

CUT TO:

INT. SCELE. NIGHTLODER

Thomas’s bedly-room.

DIANA lie with headloder on pillowage, hairdo all messy-up like ratly-nest.

BATER lie alongsile and lightly cigarelle

JOHNLY BATER
I appreciale that was inappropry, but most satisfile

DIANA POST
Oh yes Johnly.
I all forgetty how tenderfole you are under the sheetage.
Remindy of before I had to assule this secreymost identity, and when I was your wifely.

JOHNLY BATER
Oh, so complicale!
Cleverymost in the brainbocker, though.
Avoidy all scandaloppers by reinventy self as mysteriole Lady and move into nearby estale

DIANA POST
Just to be with you, dear Johnly

JOHNLY BATER
Deep joy!

DIANA POST
Deep joy indeel!

DIANA notice somethy all scratchmost under the pillowage

DIANA POST
What’s this?

JOHNLY BATER
It’s a chequelopper!
Two Hundrel Guinealoders?

DIANA POST
Strewthloppers!

JOHNLY BATER
It is from the Duchess of Hashly-Tagge, to the Dowagy Countess, and markly ‘For our Bravelymost Trooploders’!

DIANA POST
But how it arrive under Thomas’s Pillowage?

JOHNLY BATER
Aha! Finalmost proof I needed to prove that Thomas is a commonly tea-leafer!
This, my dearlymost, is the evidence I have seekly!

I shall takely to Lord Granthy, who shall give Thomas the elbow, and I promotey!

Deep joy!

DIANA POST
Deep joy!

FADE

CREDITS

FIN