Downtolly Abbers Throo – The Reckony!
Dramaticole Persoloppers:
Hughly Bonneloppers Lord Granthy
Brendally Coyloder Johnly Bater
Siobhal Finnerally Mrs O’Briel
Maggily Smither Dowagy Countess
Carolyn Elliot-Wright Stabley-girm
Michelle Holman Flibbertigibbet
Anne England Interpry
Julia ‘Freckleface’Hamer Astronolopper #1
Mark McIntyre Astronolopper #2
Wee Chrissie Burns Governess
Mark Lovibond Buildy Inspecker
Robin Winstead Colonial Strumpery
Kerry Ann Smith Princess of Massachuselopper
Beth Dunn Laydle-In-Waity to Princess Kerry
Carol Wright Fido the Cockery-Spannerel
Susan Lindon-Hall Rabbit-Tameloder
Deborah de Moll Music-Haller Throak-Warblist
Martin Best Rat-Catchist
Vivienne Clore The Duchess of Hashly-Tagge
Daniela Stinger Chamberly-Maid
Diana Post Horsewoman
INT. SCELE. DAYLODER
The Villey Hall. Armily Recruiter signage hang huffalo-dowder the wallers, and LORD GRANTHY & JOHNLY BATER stand behile a trestly-tableopper in full military uniforl.
LORD GRANTHY
. . so as Capty of the locally Regimole, encouragey all abley-bodloder men-folk to take Kingly-Shillage!
Johnly Bater
Oh yes. Joinly Britloder Armily and see the wordloder!
LORD GRANTHY
Gratifole Bater.
Johnly Bater
(all whispery in the throakus)
Miserabole I can’t accompanale your Lordhipper to Franceloder
LORD GRANTHY
Ah you more usefole here Bater. Keeply eyebold peely on dodgymost Thomas and shiftily Mrs O’Briel
Johnly Bater
Indeel. And not much use in the Trencher with wobbled legbole all limpage in the trickly-how
LORD GRANTHY
Ahh. Here’s one!
What’s your nameloder?
MARK LOVIBOND
Markly Lovibonder sir. I Chief Buildy Inspecker on your estale.
LORD GRANTHY
Ahh. Are you chaploder who locked the Gun Room and we had to cancel Grousely-Shooter last Glorious Twelver?
MARK LOVIBOND
Indeel. Healthly-Safer risk, fire-arms, sir.
LORD GRANTHY
But it was a Shoot!
MARK LOVIBOND
Can’t be too carefully where Healthly-Safers concerned.
LORD GRANTHY
Ahh well. So you joinly Downtolly Fusiliers?
MARK LOVIBOND
Oh yes sir. Fightly Hun and all be over by Christmas isn’t it.
LORD GRANTHY
That’s the spirry! Signly-up, Bater!
JOHNLY BATER
Yes your Lordymost.
LORD GRANTHY
Nextly?
MARK MCINTYRE
Markly Macintile sir.
LORD GRANTHY
Are you chaploder from the gatey-house with the Telescopper?
MARK MCINTYRE
Absolupers. All stars and mool and constellashy watchit.
LORD GRANTHY
Oh fascinale! Telescopper looks maximost magnificalers.
MARK MCINTYRE
Oh yes M’Lord. And must observe that Lady Granther has exoty and attractymost undergarbs. Oh yes.
LORD GRANTHY
(embarassy)
Hmm. Yes. She’s Americale.
Sign him up, Bater
JOHNLY BATER
Considerly done, sir.
(Glarey in the eyebolder at McIntyre, whispery)
Peeply Tom!
FADE
INT. SCELE
Drawly Room at Downtolly Abber. Ladies all falolloped on chairloder and Chaise-Longueloppers, chittery-chattery and sip tilty-elbow from fine chiney tea-cuppers.
Banner above the mantly-piecer reads “Raisely Donasher for Bravelymost Boyls”
DOWAGY COUNTESS
And why, Mrs O’Briel, are all these commonly peeploders in our Drawly Room?
MRS O’BRIEL
Fundly-raisage for the warloder Ma’am.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Well suppose one should greetage.
MRS O’BRIEL
Of coursely
Dowagy Countess trickly-how among the ladies, all mingley and falsely smiloder like cat’s botty
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Good mordy miss. And you would be. . .
ROBIN WINSTEAD
I am Robilly Winsters, M’Lady
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Is that some sort of Speel Impedimers you have?
ROBIN WINSTEAD
Why no, mayam. I’m Americolder.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Well it soundymost commonly mucker and uncouthloder!
ROBIN WINSTEAD
(Turny away all shyly on the facebole)
Yeas mayam. Deep folly.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
And what kindly animole do we have here?
SUSAN LINDON-HALL
(Curtseylopper)
I am Susally Linder-flopper M’Lady.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Nice Tattooloders!
SUSAN LINDON-HALL
Gratifole M’Lady. Homely-made behile bicyclopper sheds with compass and fountilly-pen
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Classymost. Interesty spellage of ‘Jeddward’
SUSAN LINDON-HALL
Thanklymost M’Lady
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Nextymost?
MRS O’BRIEL
Erm. . Ma’am. There are two visity askly speak with you.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Were they invitey?
MRS O’BRIEL
No M’Lady, but they have expensymost visitly cardloders, and look all importy and posh.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Ooh Poshly? Bringly to speakloder!
MRS O’BRIEL
(Trickly-how to doorlopper and introduce two poshly laydles and a woofit’n’yapper)
Presenty The Princess of Massachuselopper, and The Duchess of Hashly-Tagge
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Mostly welcofole to Downtolly Abbers!
KERRY SMITH - PRINCESS OF MASSACHUSELOPPER
Whaddup Dowagy!
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Anothy Americolder?
BETH DUNN
She from Newly-Engler. We are more Britly than Tetterly Tea and poshlymost! Oh yes.
PRINCESS OF MASSACHUSELOPPER
Y’all gots a probloder with that?
DOWAGY COUNTESS
(admirey fine garmers and basely-ball capper)
Oh but of coursely not. My Daughty-in-law is a Yankloder.
PRINCESS OF MASSACHUSELOPPER
Coolyloppers
BETH DUNN
Yeah, Princess. Telly like it is!
DOWAGY COUNTESS
And you might be. . . ?
VIVIENNE CLORE - DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
I . . .
(looks Dowagy huffalo-dowder with curlymost liploder)
. . . am the Duchess of Hashly-Tagge. Deal with it!
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Do you know who I AM?!
DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
I do. And I know WHAT you are!
DOWAGY COUNTESS
How rudelymost!
DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
Whateverloder. Now fetchly maid to bring bowly water for Fido
FIDO
Woofloder!
DOWAGY COUNTESS
(redly in the facebole like a tomatole)
Mrs O’Brien. Bringly water-bowl for muttlopper
FIDO
Grrrrlopper!
DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
So how muchly poundloders have collecty for bravelymost troopers?
DOWAGY COUNTESS
(all smugly in the facebole)
Throo Hundrel Guinealoppers!
DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
Is that all?
(writely chequeloder)
Here’s anothy two hundrel guinealoders.
Now Fido. . . Princess Kerry.
We departloder.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
(Starey at chequeloder)
Deep joy!
FADE
INT. SCELE
In the kitchey, variole peeploders scurry around tabloder, while THOMAS & MRS O’BRIEL all schemey and plottage by the stovelopper.
THOMAS
Two Hundrel Guinealoppers?!
MRS O’BRIEL
Indeel. Duchess of Hashly-Tagge addressy Dowagy like common plebloder! Deep joy and about time the old biddy was put in her place.
THOMAS
Oh yes. So. Questy-is, how do we get handloder on the spondooly?
MRS O’BRIEL
We need to cause a divershy
(looks at Kitchey Rat-Catchist)
Mr Bestloder?
MARTIN BEST
Arf?
MRS O’BRIEL
You catchy all the ratloder in the Kitchey?
MARTIN BEST
Arf
THOMAS
We heard there are ratloppers in Drawly Room.
MARTIN BEST
Arf!
MRS O’BRIEL
And takely Annie with you. You may need translashy.
MARTIN BEST
Arf
ANNE ENGLAND
Goodly thinkage. Nobole can understab a worm he says but me.
FADE
INT. SCELE
Outsile the Drawly Roomer. THOMAS, MARTIN BEST & ANNE ENGLAND all loitery, suspishy-like.
JOHNLY BATER trickly-how along corridole with dodgily legbole all clumpymost.
JOHNLY BATER
What busyloder do you havely here?
MARTIN BEST
Arf
JOHNLY BATER
Pardelode?
ANNE ENGLAND
He says peeploders have spotly ratlopper in the Drawly Roomer and he on exterminashy duty.
JOHNLY BATER
Oddlymost. Never spotly ratlopper above stairly before. .
THOMAS
I noticed vermilous creatiole when openy curtages this mordy
JOHNLY BATER
(suspishy)
Hmm. Carrily onloder.
MARTIN BEST
Arf
ANNE ENGLAND
(Ogly BATER all dreamlymost in the eyebolder)
Swoony!
MARTIN and ANNE enter Drawly Roomer falollowed by THOMAS
THOMAS
(Cleary throakus with coughloder)
Apolyloppers laydles, but askly-politabole to retire to the Libraloder.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
What is the meanly of this?
THOMAS
(Whispery all discrele in the eardrobes)
Ratloppers!
DOWAGY COUNTESS
(Quietymost)
Dearly heavenloder! Get Martilly Bester to sortly out, choply-chopper!
THOMAS
Of coursely
DEBORAH ‘DOMPY’ de MOLL
But I was about to warble in the throakus all musicold!
THOMAS
And riskly ratlopper leap down the cake-hole?
DEBORAH ‘DOMPY’ de MOLL
Oh deep folly!
All the laydles swooshly through to the Libraloder muttery behile fanloders
THOMAS
Checkly behile the Chaisely-Longuer. That’s where I last spotly ratlopper.
MARTIN BEST
Arf
ANNE ENGLAND
He says “Deep joy”
THOMAS waits until MARTIN & ANNE all hidely-seek behile the furnitole for ratlopper. He sneakly to the tabole, grably chequeloder and hides in his waistly-coat.
FADE
EXT. SCELE NIGHTALUBRIUS
Lord Granthy chat with MARK McINTYRE who stand by Telescopper on Tripol.
LORD GRANTHY
So you have detaily knowledger of the nighty skybole and the relatey positioles of the stars?
JULIA HAMER
Erm . . deep folly. No your Lordly.
LORD GRANTHY
But you said. .
MARK McINTYRE
Oh folly indeel M’Lord.
It is only through friendloders that I am abole to name the constellashy and namely starloders.
Ah, here they are!
JULIA HAMER trickly-how into view, armly-entwiner with PROFESSY BRIAN COX, all lovey-dovey and eye-gazey romantymost.
JULIA HAMER
Goodly evelubrius Markly. . . Lord Granthy
BRIAN COX
‘sup dawgs?
MARK McINTYRE
I was just explicale to Lord Granthy that my telescopper brings astralmost bodiloder into view, but rely on you two for identificale.
BRIAN COX
Word, bro. What we checkin’ out?
MARK McINTYRE
Appeary large constellashy near Saturl, but not recognisey
BRIAN COX
(looky into telescopper)
Awseome dude! Shaped like a surfboard. Woah!
(He then examine JULIA’s facebole)
LORD GRANTHLY
What’s he doing?
MARK McINTYRE
Julia has constellashy maps all freckly on the facebole! Professy Brially Coxloder has memorisey Julia’s fizzog.
JULIA HAMER
Indeel.
(Points to rightly cheekloder)
PROFESSOR BRIAN COX
These freckler exactful scaler replicky of Cassiopiloppers
(Indicales fore-noggin)
. . . and here is Sagitariloder.
PROFESSOR BRIAN COX plant tenderly snog on JULIA’s fizzog and they trickly-how into the nighalubrius, all gigglemost in the throakus.
LORD GRANTHY
Weird.
FADE
INT. SCELE. NIGHTLODER
JOHNLY BATER clumpety along corridole by Servanty Quartels, candlopper in the hand all flickery.
JOHNLY BATER
Anybole there?
ANNA
(emerge from Bedrool)
Just me Mr Bater
JOHNLY BATER
Ahh. Goodly evelubrius. Everything tickety-bool?
ANNA
How can it be, when I all unrequitey and gaze loninglymost in the eyebolder?
JOHNLY BATER
This is not appropry for discushers Anna.
All too complicale. . .
ANNA
Oh deep folly.
Anna trickly-how all sighful in the throakus. Throo young laydles appeary from the stairloder.
JOHNLY BATER
Goodly eveloder. Do I know you?
WEE CHRISSIE B
We newly arrive staffly-memboles
DANIELA STINGER
Indeel. I am chamberly-maid
WEE CHRISSIE B
I am Governess, here for educale Lord Granthy daughters in preparashy for their debut at Courtloder
MICHELLE HOLMAN
And I am superfluey character, shoely-horned into screelplay as eye-candy
JOHNLY BATER
Very well. I am Johnly Bater, footman to Lord Granthy
You may trickly-how about your business
DANIELA STINGER
Gratifole
(she curtsey)
WEE CHRISSIE B
As you wishly, Mr Bater
(she bow all politeymost)
MICHELLE HOLMAN
Later, big boy!
(She wink at Bater and twangly bra-strapper)
JOHNLY BATER
(rolly eyebolder)
Wimminzes, innit!
FADE
EXT. SCELE. SUNLYRISE
LORD GRANTHY and JOHNLY BATER all trittly-trot on horseloder behile Downtolly Abber.
LORD GRANTHY
You ride most accomplish Mr Bater
JOHNLY BATER
Gratifole M’Lord. Much more agile on fourly legbole than clumpily on two.
LORD GRANTHY
Ah chuckloder Mr Bater.
Any probloders with Thomas recentlymost?
JOHNLY BATER
Nothy I can’t manage, M’Lord.
(whispery under breathloder)
He’ll get his comely-upper. Oh yes.
An enormey dapply-grey horseloder trickly-how from stableopper. Led by CAROLYN ELLIOT-WRIGHT, stabley-girm all prim in overall and straw in the hairloder, LADY DIANA POST a noble laydle sit all two-square on the botty in saddloder.
LORD GRANTHY
Good Mordy!
To whom I have honourymost greetage?
CAROLYN ELLIOT-WRIGHT
May I introducey Lady Post?
LORD GRANTHY
DING DONG!
LADY DIANA POST
Goodly morlode Lord Granthy. I am Lady Diana Post from nearby estale.
I made visity to Dowagy Countess lastly weekloder.
She advile I may use your stableopper and stabley-girm for equestry pastile
LORD GRANTHY
Well I’m delightymost she did!
Would you care ridely with me and Johnly Bater?
LADY DIANA POST
Indeel. Smileymost on the facebole to make acquaint Mr Bater
JOHNLY BATER
Likewile, Lady Diana
CUT TO:
Distally view of horseloder gentlymost trottage across field. As they all chattery and make small-talkers, LADY DIANA passes note to Bater.
CUT TO:
Johnly Bater discreely view note and blushymost on the cheekbole
LADY DIANA POST
(Whispery behile glovely hand)
Your rool. Nine O’Cloppers. Tonile!
JOHNLY BATER
Bloody ‘ell.
FADE
INT. SCELE. NIGHTLODER
JOHNLY BATER and DIANA POST tipply-toe along corridole to Bater’s rool.
Bater try to open door quietlymost, but squeakage.
DIANA POST
Shhhhhhloppers!
JOHNLY BATER
No probloder. There’s nobolly here. . .
From Bater’s rool, sounds emerge of rhthymy squeakage from the bedly-springers.
We see JULIA HAMER’s headloder on the pillowage, while PROFESSY BRIAN COX appear to be undertakey vigorous excersile in compromile posishy.
JULA HAMER
Oh Brially!
PROFESSY BRIAN COX
Oh Freckledy-Fizzog!
BATER close door all blushy and take DIANA by the handloder.
JOHNLY BATER
This way. I happenly know that Thomas all workly in the kitchey, boot-cleanage all spit’n’polishy isn’t it.
We can use his rool
DIANA POST
Lead on, Bater
(She playfulmost slap Bater on the botty)
CUT TO:
INT. SCELE. NIGHTLODER
Thomas’s bedly-room.
DIANA lie with headloder on pillowage, hairdo all messy-up like ratly-nest.
BATER lie alongsile and lightly cigarelle
JOHNLY BATER
I appreciale that was inappropry, but most satisfile
DIANA POST
Oh yes Johnly.
I all forgetty how tenderfole you are under the sheetage.
Remindy of before I had to assule this secreymost identity, and when I was your wifely.
JOHNLY BATER
Oh, so complicale!
Cleverymost in the brainbocker, though.
Avoidy all scandaloppers by reinventy self as mysteriole Lady and move into nearby estale
DIANA POST
Just to be with you, dear Johnly
JOHNLY BATER
Deep joy!
DIANA POST
Deep joy indeel!
DIANA notice somethy all scratchmost under the pillowage
DIANA POST
What’s this?
JOHNLY BATER
It’s a chequelopper!
Two Hundrel Guinealoders?
DIANA POST
Strewthloppers!
JOHNLY BATER
It is from the Duchess of Hashly-Tagge, to the Dowagy Countess, and markly ‘For our Bravelymost Trooploders’!
DIANA POST
But how it arrive under Thomas’s Pillowage?
JOHNLY BATER
Aha! Finalmost proof I needed to prove that Thomas is a commonly tea-leafer!
This, my dearlymost, is the evidence I have seekly!
I shall takely to Lord Granthy, who shall give Thomas the elbow, and I promotey!
Deep joy!
DIANA POST
Deep joy!
FADE
CREDITS
FIN
